This wasn't our plan...

You guys love me because I keep it real, right? I show you pictures of my dirty couch from when my vacuum was broken. I show you the fun we have together as a family {too many to link up for that one - just read my blog on a semi-regular basis!}. I show you the very weird mail we seem to attract. Well, bear with me today. I'm going to keep it very real. And talk about something that I never, ever, ever intended on sharing with the blogging world. Over the past 6 months or so, though, my thoughts have changed - in fact, I "started" this post (titled it and decided to write it) over 3 months ago. That being said, it's not any easier to write about.

It wasn't our plan to...
* Have our children spaced over 5 YEARS apart. Yep. Do the math. Even if I were to get pregnant this month, the baby wouldn't be due until June. Two months after Ethan's fifth birthday.
* Have our children spaced so far apart that they may not even go to elementary school at the same time.
* Have Ethan be an only child for this long.

This summer marked two years. Two YEARS. While many of our friends and family had their 2nd child about the time that their first child was turning two, we knew we weren't ready to start trying again when Ethan was just over a year old. So we waited. We waited until after he was two and then that summer, the summer of 2009, we started trying again. We figured Ethan turning three and having a newborn would be just right for our family. It was a difficult summer, though. Sean had just been laid off from OSB because they closed the school down. He was on unemployment. I had Girls Camp and was in the stake YW presidency. Sean started working in McMinnville and was commuting and staying in a motel a couple nights a week. We were struggling financially and yet, we knew the timing was right. Tory {our good friend who is like a brother to us} received his mission call and we were all convinced I would be pregnant before he left in November. Well, with Sean working so far away and being gone a couple nights a week, sometimes it was hard to get the timing right. And then Sean interviewed for and got his current job, in Washington. We packed up our stuff and moved in January 2010. We thought surely it would be easier to get pregnant now that we were all living under one roof 6 nights a week (I was still commuting down to Eugene and sleeping at my parents' Wednesday night). And then it was summer again. It had officially been a year of trying and there was no chance of having a baby in 2010.
{Tearing up now.... having a hard time seeing the screen.}

But then I stopped working in October last year. I was home (though looking for a part-time job) and finally a full-time wife/mom. Surely now.....
{Sorry, I had to stop typing for a few minutes.}

Anyway. This summer marked two years of trying to have a baby. Two years of rollercoaster emotions. Two years of wishing and hoping and heartbreak and sadness. I've experienced a wide range of emotions. Initially I was so hopeful. I mean, we got pregnant with Ethan the FIRST month we tried. I didn't dare think it would be that easy again, but I figured no more than 6 months. Each month I would look at the calendar and figure out when our potential baby may be due. I would look at when we may start telling people our news and see if it could be linked with a holiday or birthday. I would dream of clever ways to tell Sean, tell our parents, tell our family and friends. I would dream of writing to Tory on his mission and telling him the good news. I would dream of a fun and unique way to tell my blog readers. Or what I would write in my Facebook status. I looked for any signs or symptoms I could be pregnant. Stomach issues? Tiredness? Extra moodiness? Even boob tenderness? {Yes, I just wrote boob tenderness.} We've had several hold-our-breath-for-a-few-days-and-wait-to-take-a-pregnancy-test close calls. I was always very regular. So when I was 2, 3, 4 and even 5 days late a few times we were so hopeful. There was even a point last winter when I was late, but almost out of tampons {keeping it real here, folks} and I remember being at Target and deciding between buying a pregnancy test or a multi-pack of feminine protection {is that better?} because I felt silly buying both. I choose poorly. Another negative test and I had to go back and get the multi-pack.

I think it wasn't too much after that that I had a change in emotions. Almost a 180. I became very bitter and almost cynical. While we were still trying, I had lost my giddy hopefulness. I stopped paying attention to the calendar other than to keep track of my cycle. Several year ago, I heard someone describe the non-stop rollercoaster when a couple is trying to conceive. It's always something. Every two weeks you're either trying to get pregnant or on your period. Back and forth. Constant. Nearly impossible to not be thinking about it. And I was frustrated and bitter and losing hope.

I haven't made another 180 yet, back to the near-giddyness, but I've gotten better. More hopeful again. I've changed my thinking. I've stopped focusing on a non-existent baby that I want to join our family and have tried to step it up as a mom and focus on the beautiful, wonderful, amazing little boy I have right in front of me. I'm trying to savor the time I have with him in case he's all I get.
{Oh boy, here come the tears again...}

In case this is the one crack at motherhood I get. I sure don't want to screw it up. At the same time, I'm blessed with a feeling of peace and comfort that our little Ethan will not be our only child. My patriarchal blessing says children and I feel there are still precious spirits waiting to join our family. It may take a while, but Sean and I would love to have at least 3, maybe 4 or 5 kids. And we've already talked about not waiting to try and get pregnant again once we have baby #2. So, just know, there may be back-to-back-to-back babies at our house. Oh, I hope so!

Dates are the hardest. Getting past that point in a year {you know, March or maybe early April, with an end-of-December due date} where we are no longer be able to have a baby in that same year. Or towards the end of the year, not even being pregnant within that year {we're at the end of our 3rd year in that sense}. Or birthdays. Another reminder that Sean and I are getting older and that Ethan won't stop growing. I was 24 {almost 25 - my birthday was the next month} when Ethan was born and {again, back to the "if we were to get pregnant this month" scenario} will have turned 30 before we have another one. Or the fact that Tory comes home from his mission in about 6 weeks. And I try to fight the thoughts I have that he's been gone on a mission for TWO YEARS and I have no toddler, no baby and not even an embryo to show for it. Before he left, we would joke that "little Gracie" {Grace is my fave girl's name} would be a year old before "Uncle Tory" would even get to meet her. Well, "little Gracie" is not even in the works yet.

And then there's people who ask, "When are you going to have another one?" And it's ok. I'm not offended. I'm 100% honest and tell them, "As soon as we possibly can!" With Ethan, we wanted a Spring baby. Now, we could care less. Doesn't matter the season, we just want a healthy baby. On a similar note, Sean and I both go through extreme emotions when we hear of others getting pregnant. On one hand we are genuinely happy and excited for them, but on the other hand, it always seem to hit like a punch to the gut when we hear the news. That's not to say that we don't want to hear everyone's happy news! Please, don't be afraid to tell us! We want to share in your joy and will be first in line to hold and snuggle your baby if we get a chance.

I worry, too, about the large age gap between my sisters and I. Six years between me and Christine and another eight years between Christine and Lizzy (making a 14-year gap between her and I). It makes me nervous that there is some family history there. Lizzy was a planned baby and (I think) it took my parents 5 years to get pregnant with her. It wasn't until we started having issues that I finally asked my mom how many kids she had wanted to have. I really had no idea that she would've liked to have more. I don't know why that thought had never crossed my mind. She was/is a great mom. She could've handled more little rugrats. :)

It saddens me that Ethan has noticed his lack of a sibling(s). On more than one or two occasions. It's actually become a somewhat regular topic lately. In November of last year, I made note on the calendar of the following conversation.

Ethan (completely out of the blue): "I would be nice to my brothers and sisters."
Me (a little confused): "But you don't have any brothers and sisters (yet)."
Ethan: "But where are they?"

Ugh! Rip my heart out! Another time, after wrestling with the neighbor-boy and the neighbor-boy's dog and getting a little roughed up by the dog (it bit and tore a new shirt), Ethan was quite distraught and informed me that he didn't want a dog. He just wanted a baby brother! {Oh, me too, bud!!} Since then there have been conversations about why mommy doesn't have a baby in her tummy. And how he would be happy with a baby brother or a baby sister. And questions as to why he doesn't have a brother or sister. Sigh....

I can't really think of anything else to say. It's taken me two days to write this and I'm sure I have other thoughts on the matter, but this is the best I can do for now. Sorry if it's jumbled and random - I'm doing very little editing and just typing what comes to mind. I am amazed if you read all of this. I know it is a lot, both in the actual length of the post and the topic. It's a lot to take in, and I get that. It's part of the reason I really hesitated to even write this and put it on the blog at all. I'm still doubting myself as I finish it up and am unsure about actually posting it. Please know that countless prayers and fasts have been made on our behalf, by both Sean and I and also our family and friends. We love you and appreciate your support. We also welcome continued prayers, and it's not often I will say that. Please also know that this was extremely personal and difficult for me to talk about. If you're going to comment, I ask that you are thoughtful in what you write.

Ok, I'm working up the courage to post this....
Going to push the "Publish Post" button...
[Deep breath...]
[Holding my breath...]
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